Vipassana
I have always wanted to enroll for a Vipassana retreat. Once me and my friends enrolled for a 10 day retreat but it got cancelled because of water shortage at the Center. It was a difficult summer. At that time I had spent some time reading about it and talking to a friend who had done the course. The feeler I got was that it isn’t easy but is definitely life changing. One of the things that stayed in my mind was that it required long hours of mediation, an hour at a stretch.
Since September or so last year I had incorporated a morning meditation routine. The idea initially was to just begin a discipline to wake up early. Initially I began to meditate for 45 min. Meditate was perhaps not the right word. I tried to. The goal was less lofty and I only wanted to get used to sit for lengthy periods of time. After few months I moved the clock backwards to extend the meditation duration to an hour. Fortunately I started enjoying this routine and didn’t stop it. Now I actually enjoy this time of silence and peace and look forward to it. My effort in the beginning was to keep the meditation simple and limit it to breath awareness. I referred to some websites. But it was difficult going, with the mind filled with thoughts most days. Around this time I was introduced to an online Vipassana course conducted by YogiLab by a friend. I was skeptic if I could manage to do it but I enrolled.
The course started on January 10. On the very first day I understood what Vipassana was all about. The first instruction is in Aanapana ie. keeping your awareness on the incoming and outgoing breath. As I sat in the half lotus pose, the pain in the legs started increasing. Normally I would give up after a short while in that painful seating, but this time I endeavoured and sat through the pain trying to focus on the breathing. It was more a test of my will power and I decided not to give up until the end. It was the first mediation and I didn’t even know how the signal to end the mediation would come. While I was struggling I also felt the advent of my periods which was due. The whole process was extremely difficult. I started to sweat profusely and felt memories of past pains being evoked while making the effort to keep the attention on the breathe, to ignore the pain — mental and physical. That was the life skill vipassana was teaching.
We learnt the actual technique of Vipassana meditation which was the process of being aware of all the myriad sensations in the body following a set pathway of observation so as not miss anything. That helped me learn to keep focus. I learnt that every thought evokes an emotion and a sensation in the body. And there are some thoughts that are so difficult for us to address, we store them in the deep recesses of our mind. What we face becomes ego and what we suppress becomes the shadow personality. These unacknowledged thoughts don’t leave us but are also stored physically in our body in the form of deep emotions and corresponding sensations. As we become aware of the sensations and get better at it, as we move deeper into our minds, these deep emotions get unlocked and released. It can be difficult. Especially if these are traumatic. And this is the reason vipassana can be a difficult process. But it’s the only way to move towards light. To find the better person we are. It’s like removing the muck and dirt to reveal the gem inside us. It comes with complete acceptance of what we are. There is nothing to show others. It’s only you and your self.
One of the most beautiful meditations we learnt was Metta. Feeling unconditional love and to extend it to your loved ones and humanity. There are difficult experiences as well as pleasant. But I understood that the pleasant are also passing moments to be observed and let go of. When the grasping and repulsion stops there is a continuous steady state of peace.
It was a wonderful 10 days of practice. I am continuing my meditation and there are days when I am avalanched by thoughts but I sit. There are days I can’t bear the pain in the legs and give up moving to an easier pose. There are days I sit through the hour without a blink. There are days I squeeze in 10 minutes of vipassana. The journey is on and I am so glad to have learnt this life skill — on wantonly loosening the reactive conditioning of our minds and to live in observation and awareness.
The most important lesson I learnt was that no matter what life throws at you, you have the power not to react! That is a wonderful kind of freedom. To get there and be in that space perpetually is the goal. For now it’s a process of learning. Falling and rising again as long as it takes.
